Good relationship is not only about romantic lullabies, candle lit dinners & love bites. It’s not only about loosened your feeling & accepts the uncertainties that come. It’s more than that.
You need to understand your partner predicaments...only by mutual respect, he shall obliged & respect you forever. You need to touch based with his feeling...only then, you can let your own feeling soar high & touch the stars. You need to counterbalance your tempo…even if it’s your last tango. If you cannot make these small sacrifices then, maybe you had tagged a wrong partner for your dance.
But, what are the real attributes that were the foundations for good relationship & could you enhanced such liaison into the best relationship of your lifetime ?
Good relationship is about Communications.
One good lesson from my divorce is that, communication is the main priority, at all times. It should be a two way communication, not one way or even side ways. It need be one-to-one or better face to face communication since, once the relationship settled in, it would undergoes natural testing & evaluation processes to seek your sincerity & love binds. Without direct honest-to-Allah communications, you could soon expect another unavoidable heartbreak & cold nights.
Key to good communication is not language command but sincerity & forgiveness. It’s no use, for both of you to argue with your heart & lay down your differences but end of the days, either of you not sincere or in forgiving mood.
Sooner than later, this silent battle would creep into the bedroom. That’s why in Islam, couple are required to forgive each other, before went to sleep. The situation would become worse, when not only you start to sleep with your back to him, but also start putting a child on the same bed to separate you from him. Believe me, when you start to use this tactic, your days are numbers. No child should ever be used as the Berlin Wall against your spouse.This is what I had to endure the last 5 years of my marriage. Eventually, that child also shall loss the confidence to be independent.
Good relationship is about Time & Space.
Enough time & space is necessary for any plants to mature. Look at the Cengal or Jati trees. Observe how wide the branches & root spread out. The same principal should also been adhere here.
Don’t ever think he is the only person that needs such precious needs. Often, women skip the requirement for themselves. Thus, eventually they got suffocated. In their hurry to grab the best man in town, they take things for granted. Thus, one lonely night 20 years later, she would realize she had made a gross mistake by marrying that lucky guy.
Take me for example, I know I’m a fossilized, old sucker but at least I’m still living & kicking. It had been 20+6 odd years since I had ever used my brain to interpret telltale love signals from my run-down radar…yang dah lama berkarat. It took some times to re-align, re-calibrate & re-verified all the blur reading, that were output from a COBOL based punch card reader. If I cannot trust those readings, how can I let loose my own feeling? Thus, you cannot expect me to thaw my feeling overnight, like popping the frozen casserole or pizza in the microwave. Is that too much to expect?
Good relationship is about being an Active Partner.
To most women active partner were only restrained to the bedroom. In some cases, it would even extend to family business. That shouldn’t be the case. Being active partner should extend further than that.
Some men fall for new love is not necessarily due to sexual drive because of the “pucuk muda” or “dahi licin”. Most felt neglected & worse abandon by the same woman, whom he once love before. Gone were the attention & tender touch that used to arouse him before. Those needs had been channeled by the wife, though quite appropriately, to their kids. Yet, the husband has the loose end. That’s why when opportunity arises; he could easily fall for someone either young or mature Eve that could fulfill the need.
The word orgasm shouldn’t been confined to the bedroom wall. In fact, at the first place it shouldn’t even be restricted to physical exhaustion only. Actually, it is the state of minds and emotions. Therefore, where ever both partners went & doing, if they were in the orgasmic state it induced tighter love binds. This would reduce any interception from potential suitor or secret admirer that would ruin the love bind.
Furthermore, women need to be involved more in her spouse interest. It can be certain sport activities, hobbies, life cause, business development or others that reflect your concern & goodwill to him. Only then, you can detect up front, outside from your family related matters, any issues which could create negative impact to your relationship. For example, he could be in black mood & lost in sexual drive for a week, just because his futsal team lost in the final for the first time.
Good relationship is about Learning to Change.
Change within you should be the driving force to love him. There are times; we need to overhaul ourselves with new skills, attitude, habit & even principal just to ensure the love need aligned with our partner. Ego & selfishness have no value here. The will to change begin with you.
Take me as example, IF I were given some love in my heart to share with her out there, I shall learn the language of her choice, just to ensure I understood her better. If she likes German or Mongolian, well though luck I learn to express my thought, concerns & feelings, both direct & in subtle ways. I learn to feel her anxiety & restlessness. I learn to shed tears for her safety & peace. I learn to include her name in my doa, both days & nights. I learn to be patient when she blew her top. I learn to forgive her & also myself, for the humane blunders. I learn to stand still in the shadow, waiting for her to come to term with herself & accept her destiny. That’s some of what I will & shall do, just to gain her love.
I will take her for what she is, the worst & the best, for she’s one & the whole package. I will make her the queen of my life. Nevertheless, I have no worldly asset to bargain for her true love, except my love to Allah & Rasulullah. Yet, I would not promise her the stars & the moon for her love gifts. Furthermore, she had to accept something in return of this worldly love. She had to accept the fact that, I shall always love Allah more than I lover her, for this love feeling to her, is actually the most cherish gift from Allah Himself.
Either way, the women need to adopt several new skills & principals in order to ensure love between them flourished. Sure, you hate if your hubby compare your cooking with his mom, but why not gain an upper hand by learning his favorite dishes directly from his mum.
Do remember, please, his mum is your mum also! Even, if both of you got separated either by divorce or by death, they are still your parent-in-law NOT “bekas mertua”. At one side, you hate her lurking in your shadow but another side you dearly want to be like her, so that your hubby does not need to go back to his mum house for lunch & dinner. In the first place, why should you compete with her? The right approach is for you, to challenge yourself. Please, be realistic. This attitude is actually degrading you more than you can imagine.
Good relationship is about Forgiveness.
When the matrimonial ceremony concludes, women tend to conclude also that her spouse shouldn’t not only cheat on her with another woman, but also tell white lies or make foolish errors that she distastes. Ironically, there were times, even she bite her own tongue!
Life error is the soul of experience. Not many occasions that you can have smooth sails, in every phase of your life time. In every life error there were knowledge to be gained. But, to harvest those precious life pearls, you need empathy & willing spirit. That’s why most people hate failure & its drawbacks.
While in the first hand they abhor any mistake, women tend to demand forgiveness like access to the Credit Cards, regardless whose side initiate the chain of event. Most men would seek forgiveness without second thought, just to please her or silence her continuous barrage. Eventually, times would creped to her and make her realize her own error. Sadly, self forgiveness, like self empathy & self respect, are not the cherish attributes of some women. How could you demand forgiveness from your spouse, when you cannot forgive yourself for the past mistakes?
Just because you still mad with his stupid mistake, it does not give you an absolute right not to accept his forgiveness. If you can ask for Allah forgiveness, why can't you ever consider In fact, the more you play with his emotion, the more you strained the relationship. By accepting his forgiveness, not only you caress his pride back but also make peace with yourself. This would put you in better path towards peace & tranquility that you always seek.
Good relationship is about Beginning & Ending with Allah.
While you are eager for the relationship to blossom into life partners, you need to address the hard facts of life. Yes, its normal when in love, you tend to be blinded. That’s why, the more you love him, and the more should be your love to Him, too. Any lesser than that, it would make you blinded forever with lust & hurt the budding relationship.
The seed of love in both of you were originated from Allah. Thus, we need to be thankful & abide by His rule of law, in expressing our love to each other. If the guy you dearly loved start to make you miss your daily solat Asar & Maghrib, since he had insisted dating after office hour, please beware. Subsequently, he may indirectly urge you to skip your daily al-Quran reading or solat tahajud, with his avalanche of love sms & chat session till early morning. You need to realize most men are born opportunist, the same goes with shopping to women. It won’t be long before he begins to demand advance sex, just to prove your love to him.
Rule of thumb should be that if he cannot be faithful to his Creator, through the timely solat ritual or include your health & happiness in each of his daily doa, than did you surely thought he would be faithful to you & remember you in his heart?
These are the MORE attributes that I choose not elaborate further here :
Good relationship is about applying your Motherly Love.
Good relationship is about Trust, Trust, Trust & Truth.
Good relationship is about Letting go Past Baggage.
Good relationship is about being a Good Listener.
Good relationship is about Joint Co-operation.
Once you had foster these attributes of good relationship, you would had erected enough scaffolding to ensure it grew & blossom into the best relationship, ever. Only then, you will be rewarded with truest wisdom. Herewith, it would love expression consummate both mind & souls. Such relationship, would not only last during your lifetime but also when you enter the afterlife. It would eventually stand the test of duration & duress.
For once in your lifetime, you would not questioned his love & loyalty to you, when either of you were far away, or you start to lose your skin beauty, or when got crippled in an accident, or when you begun your menopause, or when you can’t deliver him a child to prove his manhood. By then, you shall understand his rational, why he chooses NOT to accept your offer for another wife, to fulfill his sexual void.
Wassalam,
Din Kelate
[ P.S. : Even though written by a man, these pondering thought were cross gender. So pick wisely...TIA ]
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